For
me, 1989 was the year of most life-changing events since my decision to
accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. It was the year of my
liberation from the closet, from homophobic ex-gay ministries, and from
singleness.
After three
years in the ex-gay movement, I was a wreck. I wasn't receiving the
promise of "healing" or "deliverance" from homosexuality that so many
like myself sought. As a leader in the movement, others would confide in
me their inability to control their homosexual desires. While I tried
to comfort them, my own failure indicated to me that I was living a lie.
After years of living a celibate Christian life, I felt no less gay
than when I began my journey out of "the homosexual lifestyle."
In
desperation, I turned to a born-again Christian psychologist who
specialized in treating sexual compulsive disorders. One thing he told
me I'll never forget. He said he would never judge me if I embraced my
homosexuality, and that my decision was between God and me. Never in all
my Christian walk had a Christian told me he/she would not judge me
based on my sexual orientation. After all the years of struggle, his
words were the impetus I needed to jump off the fence.
During this
time, one of my gay co-workers told me about his church, Casa de Cristo.
I knew of Casa de Cristo, and its separation from MCC. Still, I was
leery: after all, didn't they have orgies in church?! My co-worker
assuaged my concerns.
The first
service I attended at Casa de Cristo was the Sunday of The Evangelical
Network (TEN) conference in 1989. Throughout my Christian life I'd been
taught to look beyond the gifts of the Holy Spirit to the fruits of the
Holy Spirit. Were the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control evident? Indeed
they were, and in abundance. From the moment I arrived, I knew I was
home.
I continued
attending Casa de Cristo, but nagging questions remained -- if this is
of God, what about all the scriptures I had learned that condemned gays
and lesbians? Senior Pastor Fred Pattison began a series on Sexuality
and the Christian. I absorbed his teachings like a sponge. I realized
that other Christians interpreted the "clobber scriptures" differently.
Fred challenged us to study scripture for ourselves. In so doing, like
Saul of Tarsus, scales of spiritual blindness fell from my eyes. I saw
that God loved me just as He created me, that my sexuality was a gift
from God, and that I was to respect the gift He gave me.
In August
1989, I met my husband Paul through a personal ad in a local alternative
newsmagazine. What drew me to his ad was his statement that he was a
Christian. Despite this, I was hesitant to pursue the relationship; so
many people had failed me before. Yet I trusted God.
Paul
worshiped at Gentle Shepherd MCC. Here was another opportunity for God
to break down my walls of prejudice. I had been led to believe that MCC
was at the far left of Christendom. Through my interactions with Paul's
congregation, I've come to know many holy men and women in MCC who
spanned the theological spectrum.
As Christmas
1989 approached, I felt called to make a more permanent commitment to
Casa de Cristo. I was accepted into membership at the Christmas Eve
service. Reflecting back on 1989 that evening, I realized I began the
year in turmoil, afraid of my sexuality and disbelieving of God's love
for me as I was. I ended the year walking in freedom as an openly gay
man. I threw the closet door wide open and proclaimed to my family and
friends of my deliverance from ministries determined to change what God
fully intended me to be. God didn't heal me of homosexuality; there was
nothing from which I needed to be healed except my own inability to
accept God's love for me.
Kurt L. Jacobowitz-Cain
Phoenix, Arizona